Erectile Dysfunction: Sometimes It’s in Your Head, Not the One Below Your Waistline

Alright, fellas — let’s have a real chat about something far too many men suffer in silence over: struggling to get or keep an erection. Yep, I said it. Erectile dysfunction. Or as I like to  say, the night your penis decides to clock off early.

Here’s the thing you need to hear, it’s not always about something physically wrong with you. In fact, more often than you’d think, it’s in your head… and I’m not talking about the one below your waistline. Your body might be working perfectly fine, but your brain can still throw a spanner in the works.

ED is incredibly common. Every man will experience it at some point in his life. But the moment it happens, the mind jumps straight to panic. You start thinking you’re broken, that you’ve “lost it,” or that you’re somehow less of a man. And here’s the kicker, those thoughts alone can be enough to make the problem worse the next time around.

You see, sexual arousal starts in the brain long before it gets anywhere near your penis. When you’re relaxed, your nervous system is in “rest and relax” mode and blood flows easily to create and sustain an erection. But when you’re stressed, overthinking, or feeling pressure to perform, your body flips into “fight or flight” mode. That’s survival mode and in survival mode, your body is far more interested in keeping you alive than helping you have great sex.

That’s why ED so often happens when there’s pressure to perform. Maybe it’s a new partner and you want to impress, maybe you’ve had a bad experience before and it’s stuck in your mind, or maybe life’s stress — work deadlines, bills, arguments at home has you so wound up your body can’t switch gears into arousal. One bad night can make you overthink the next and before you know it, you’re stuck in a loop.

And here’s something else to keep in mind: the more pressure you put on yourself, the harder (no pun intended) it becomes. Erections don’t respond well to pressure. The harder you push, the faster they run in the opposite direction. That’s why sometimes the best thing you can do is take the pressure off completely. Slow down. Focus on touch, pleasure and connection instead of making it all about whether you’re hard or not.

Now let’s talk about the other culprits — drugs and alcohol. They can both have a major impact on your ability to get and stay hard. Alcohol might give you a boost of confidence, but too much of it numbs your nervous system and slows blood flow, which is a recipe for disappointment in the bedroom. Drugs — whether recreational or prescription — can interfere with hormone levels, nerve signals and circulation. Even if they make you feel “in the mood” at the time, the mechanics often don’t keep up. So if you’re struggling with ED after a big night out or while on certain medications, it might not be your body failing you, it could be what you’ve put into it.

Sometimes, it’s also about the dynamic with your partner. If there’s emotional distance, tension, or unresolved issues, your body will feel it. Men often underestimate how much emotional connection plays a role in physical performance. Even for blokes who consider themselves “visual” or “physical” creatures, feeling safe and comfortable with someone has a massive effect on whether your body responds.

Now, ED can also be a sign of an underlying health condition like heart disease, diabetes, or hormonal changes, so if it’s ongoing, get checked out. That way, you’ll know for sure whether it’s a physical issue or whether you can safely focus on the mental side. But for a huge number of men, there’s nothing physically wrong at all. It’s just that their head — the one above their shoulders — has taken over.

When you learn to relax, let go of the pressure and work with your body instead of against it, things often start working just fine again. So next time it happens, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean you’re any less of a man and it certainly doesn’t mean your sex life is over. Take a breath, focus on the moment and remember — sometimes the real solution isn’t found in your pants. It’s found in your mind.

Ready to Get Back in Control?

As a certified sex therapist and owner of ManUnwind, I help men get out of their heads and back into their bodies in two key ways.

Firstly, I offer Inner Work Coaching, which is talk-based therapy. We look at what’s really going on for you and explore practical, at-home strategies to resolve your ED issues. This is about unpacking the mental load, addressing the pressure and finding ways to reconnect with your sexual confidence without the constant performance anxiety.

I also offer two specialised touch therapy sessions that work incredibly well for men. Here’s the thing — most men have been unknowingly taught that intimacy and intercourse is like an oil change or a safety inspection on a car. It’s a checklist that goes something like:

1. Make sure I please her first.

2. Hmm, probably should please her again.

3. Shit, I hope he stays hard long enough.

4. Hope I don’t cum too quick.

5. Become the town crier: “I’m about to cum!”

6. Cum, say “that was good”… but feel absolutely nothing because you spent the whole time in your head ticking boxes or going through check points in a PS4 game.

The specialised massages I offer at ManUnwind are designed to break that pattern.

Embodiment Massage – 60 minutes of teaching you, through touch, how to feel, be present and trust your body. Your body knows what to do and it will do it when you remove the pressure to perform.

Edging Massage – a guided experience that helps you explore pleasure without rushing to the finish line, giving you more control, more awareness and more enjoyment in the process. This massage also helps identify if there are any ED issues present and gives you strategies on how to move forward with confidence or if it's time to visit your GP.

If you’re ready to stop letting your head run the show and start truly feeling pleasure again, these sessions are a game changer.